But in the situation with my in laws, where they are both over 50 and in an extreme debt situation (I would be overjoyed if they had anything close to $10K in savings!) After I left home, they started spending. She will have nothing saved, and nothing to leave her only child.Before getting sober she treated him, me, and our daughter like complete crap. I dont think so. If we can help, we should, right? God has put her in my life, and I need wisdom for how to love her bestwhether that means giving her a few bucks now and then or completely leaving her to her own devices. Yes, I became momentarily teary but just needed an ear and a boost. This would cover her portion of the utilities and the rent could go into a general savings account. They keep threatening to leave her on my doorstep. And one of our children is an adopted family member that my mother-in-law asked us to take in years ago, and because of that instead of having 15 yrs to pay off our own debts and free up some money before needing to help with kids in college, well be barely managing to help our daughter go to college in 6 yrs. I am nearly 40 and this has really F****d things up for me. I sometimes feel the sharp sting of other peoples judgement when I tell them my dad is homeless (as in on the street). Your message made me laugh so hard! The constitution will very likely come up, you will hear, This is a free country. As to my position, I dont mind helping my parents if I can financially handle it and if they show respect. They have been the ones in charge and benefiting for the last 40 years. Its really, really hard to experience and deal with. Options for Parents Lending Money to Kids. Now they have chosen to support my adult sister, who has chosen to quit her job to change careers for the 5th time in so many years, and at some point they will run out of money and come to me and my husband. I have several siblings but at this stage in life, I feel like the financial responsibility will fall on my shoulders. Please think rationally before you comment that you would definitley help your parents, thats nice but see how you feel when ypu have to live like i do and lend hundreds and thousands to a couple who just dont care. I gave my inheritance money to my father which he gambled away. He has has several opportunities to retire but he keeps financing more things after he pays them off. Family supporting one another is the behavior of love, the true act of connecting. My in-laws are completely financially irresponsible. Ive even given up on romance 2 focus on raising my kids. somehow she worked out with the mortgage company, 6 years ago, that she would not escrow her tax $$. Im not sure how she will be able to afford her real estate taxes. Its not the law in Australia. I have two kids, I am a single mother, I work hard to take care of my family, my kids dont want their poppop living with them because last time he did he would drink and scare them. I dont like your assumption.All the while raising your generation parents have sacrificed a lot to give you guys more than we had.Your toys were more expensive,we paid thru the nose for electronics that only keep getting better year after year and everyone had to have the latest.The pension plans and unions, etc.died along the way with our parents generation keep that straight.There is no longer security in work,everyone is dispensable.Most parents dont want to live with their adult children because of the selfish, opinionated, callous people they have become.I say most,I am not generalizing here. Thank you so much for letting me know. I still assist with very limited personal items she needs. Hey FreakedOut, I dont know if youll see this but I wonder how it turned out. Thats because, in each and every case, financially irresponsible people can leverage aspects of your life beyond your finances to encourage you to make poor financial choices. My father left my mother when she had one kid in college and two in high school When my father left he decided he longer wanted to pay for the home that we all lived in, nor the car that my mother used to get to work and to get all of us kids to and from school, work and sports. Your nephews car was smashed by a hit-and-run driver, and he needs $500 to cover repairs until payday. If you want some say in how theyll use your money, you could offer them a gift card say, to Target or a nearby grocery store instead of cash. Baby boomers are going to demand retirement (ignorantly or not) Seek out lower-cost social activities and cherish the relationships with people who share those activities with you. We bailed him out. They can also become another person on your team to help you and your spouse rebuild a . I never knew such laws existed! and dads drank carried on, and did generally selfish things . I moved as far away as I could at the age of 17 and by the time I was 30, I had given them a car that I had paid off, sent them money countless times and now Im getting some passive-aggressive guilt trip because they want to retire and my husband and I are retired at 40. 29% aged 55+ have less than $10,000 in total savings. This article has been viewed 86,869 times. Nope. Just recently, my father, with guidance from two of his children, sold his house to settle several debts. I find that people who were raised in safe loving homes where they didnt have to worry about wondering where their next meal came from and if they were very lucky had college paid for or even better know they will have some sort of trust fund or inheritance find the thought of not helping their parents rediculous. In tough economic times, many families lose their jobs, homes, cars, retirement accounts, belongings, savings, health insurance, and more. What as great about what you experienced? Give that person a ride to work. Were working to get ourselves into a position so if/when that happens well be ok w/o having to rely on others. She talks to me in detail about her daily activities, pleasures, difficulties- every topic. #shouldve been a more responsible, dedicated, heartfelt, honest, invested parent if you expected me to invest and engage in you in your senior years! Some people take decades to learn how to give to others to learn that the secret to happiness is to have a mission larger than and outside of themselves. Shrink put her finger on the cause being the whole subject of my parents financial irresponsibility. Past behavior is not always an indicator of future results, but smart estate planning considers all the available information. Her ex doesnt pay her child support although hes supposed to. He doesnt pay rent or bills in the house, He takes trips out of the country whenever he feels, he shops like theres no tomorrow. He started writing for InCharge Debt Solutions in 2016. Your primary responsibility is to your children not irresponsible parents. And even if they wait till the kids are out they are causing you to lose money. Its a life challenge that you need to face and stabilise. After all, financial transactions among family members can be slippery slopes. Instead of expensive gifts for everyone, do a gift drawing or perhaps put a cap on the cost of the gifts. Anyway, the bottom line is that my father and mother assume we will supplement their waysagain with no change on their part. nothing and everyone is screwed because we didnt think and plan ahead. Its hard now because they are older and they have this pathetic look but I dont know what to tell them. If a parent is so selfish to raise their children by depriving them of financial sustainability and neglecting parenting to live their lives. Some parents pay for their kids schooling or basic necessities, but mine never did. TRULY DISGUSTING. Needless to say, he doesnt have any retirement savings. Employment insurance is no longer an option for him when he loses jobs. Part of the problem is that people dont know what they spend. If its for an emergency, have a real discussion about how similar situations can be managed in the future, perhaps by building an emergency fund for unexpected expenses. For now, I am choosing to be disengaged, because my efforts in the past in trying to change behavior have been ignored. If I was held accountable for his basic needs as an old a-hole I would sue the state for allowing him to have me in the first place. They are the ones who created the mess and are leaving and dont mind doing so to their children, grandchildren, and possibly their great grandchildren to foot the bill. I feel for you, some people are so lucky to have team players for parents. my mother in law, no. No unemployment, no savings, only a broken down vehicle that was sold cheap. There are so few resources on the internet to deal with this exact situation, I thank this forum & Mr. Miller for putting it out there. I am in this very situation with my husbands mother. However, my mom thinks I should chi in and help with bills?! Trent Hamm is a personal finance writer at TheSimpleDollar.com. It is ok to help your parents when they need it but only when they are not purposely taking advantage of you or making you feel like you owe them. that is truely bad if you inherit your parents debts. You have to take care of your family first. A life that will make us happy (me and my hubby). If irresponsibility is . Me parents did well financially until my senior year in college, when they lost their business. Their good people. If you suspect financial abuse, call the the Adult Protective Services Hotline at 1-800-677-1116. Other. It is going to be hard but I need to set them free. Offer as much advice as you can if they ask and give them an open door for that advice. We are dead broke (Once again) but they can for whatever reason afford to finance HD televisions and luxury furniture. Im actually saving what you wrote in my note so that I can look back when I feel guilty and angry when parents pressure me into giving money. He is still living with me as he has nothing but SS and he is now 79 and extremely healthy (which is great) other than hygiene issues (very little bathing) due to laziness. for my stance on any conversations on this issue. I dont know for sure, but everything I have seen of my parents spending habits tells me that their lives are just a ticking time bomb. I cant imagine walking into their home and telling them they need to shape up. Theres enough ammo in the bible to shoot back at them if you want to do that. The ridiculous and unnecessary pending the goes on is sad. Set Clear Financial Goals: Establishing clear financial goals and expectations is the first step in dealing with a financially irresponsible spouse. But in any case I dont think the state should force you to pay for them period. Why should I put myself and my kids in that situation. I got a good job, she retired early, had a stroke, then my father got cancer & died. They get resentful of me and always make him feel guilty if he chooses to express that we have a life of our own. I recently dated a guy, (we are not together now) whos son was paying his rent. Then, to add insult to injury, he has spent 100% of the grandiose salary Ive been sending his way. I live across the country from them and theyre seethingly jealous of my lifestyle. Some money habits are red flags, which might be signs of deeper financial instability issues that could impact both of you - when . What would be most helpful to them? She is working hard to get it paid off, and I think she will, but what if she doesnt? Friends and family members know you love them, so repayment isn't typically a priority. One of those e-mails was from Dave, who wrote with his own ethical dilemma. and they just cared about themselves, before ad AFTER they had their kids. And probable most of them use hard drugs while traveling abroad, spending immense amounts of money that a tuition fee wouldnt hurt for more than 5 years into their salary they have no right to claim anything! Even with that type of communication, however, many children face intense guilt if their parents are struggling financially. Instead, do it far away from any such planning. What are your interests and how can you put those toward more stable employment?, Say, At the moment I can't help you financially, but I'd love to help you in different ways. No. Dealing with financially irresponsible family. Its never hopeless. Lucky, she still own a house with him and she asked me for $50 bucks on and off now. Granted my parents are pretty pleasant, they hate where I live (city) and would not choose that option easily. My other brother-in-law is nice and financially responsible, but whenever my husband tries to talk to him about plans for their retirement, he acts like he has the emotional capabilities of a 15 yr old girl and says along the lines of I just cant think of them getting old and gets all emotional and his mom when my husband tries to talk to her, acts the same, You act like were in the grave already!!