If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Then everyone is sober. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. Once when I ended things with a guy Id been dating, he called me a few days later and said hed taken a poll of his friends and they all agreed I didnt have real cause to break up with him so we should resume things. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? Exactly. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? I meet family from California. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. I absolutely dread this. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. What if he dies? Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) Charleston. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. I would idd consider flying. This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Yes, this. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. Its natural to want to care for your partner. Ill wait. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. I didnt sign up for this. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. Good luck to you both. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Totally. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. I went for the first time over the summer. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. People watching! One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. 2 junio, 2022; google load balancer path prefix rewrite; how much does it cost to join peninsula yacht club . I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? The reality of the place is really NBD. I say go for it! by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. I agree. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. Im not diagnosing at all. This was not such a culture. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. I hope they can find a solution. Well there it is. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. Actually those are not the only two choices. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Assuming you havent given him real cause for those worries (like a history of cheating), this is insulting to you and awful for the health of your relationship. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. It can be; it can also be a culture that has different views on whats important in a relationship. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Menu. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. And not his fault, it was mine! Ive been to Vegas a couple of times and saw a ton of business conferences and expos going on. I love New Orleans! Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. I also had this thought. My mom too! If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. We have been arguing and I just don't know what to do. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. What do you think?. pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. Those were a big hit. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. Its not a geographic nexus of evil or on a Hellmouth or anything, cmon! They have to want to change. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. Yes!! Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. 4 Things To Remember When Taking Your Partner On A Family Vacation For Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Its tough but definitely not impossible. I deeply hope that he is just sort of neurotic and doesnt handle it very well. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. You are not alone with this. I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. He can see how boring Vegas really is. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? I think thats reasonable. While it has its own series of potential problems, leaving him in a hotel room in Vegas all day while shes in conferences might bore him into realizing the reality of the place. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. 27 Family Vacation Ideas for a Trip They'll Never Forget Marriage CounselingDefinitely. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. Or get off? Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. If I died while on travel, hed get an insurance payout and be able to live without working for X months; then he could remarry or move or whatnot. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. I thought my mom was the only one like this. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Ive been to far more dangerous places. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Right!? I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. He wasnt healthy for me. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. Im rooting for you! And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. I read books. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. 402 views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Famosos: #TaniaRincn y su esposo iniciaron su amor con el pie izquierdo: su relacin no era perfecta. Casinos are some of the most secure and highly monitored public places you can go. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). either. They just find more things to get worried about. So its not like its all new. Haha! And the entertainment options are essentially endless. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. For me, this is a differentiation between asking for permission from the perspective of consideration for the other person (kids are the #1 reason here), and asking for permission because the nature of your relationship dictates that one person gets to decide what the other person can/should be doing. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? Im in the same boat as the OP. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. after that. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. Your husband is being unreasonable. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! ), I also watched CSI for a lot of years, and on one of my trips to Vegas I stayed off-strip in a cheap hotel because I was trying to save money. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? This is not helpful to the conversation, but seeing posts like this always remind me of a relationship I got out of many years ago (just 3 months before our wedding date!) I really dont like the taste of alcohol. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Conflict resolution. I think (I hope!) Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Pricey, but worth it! He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. Good luck! Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Just those who DO think its abuse should be aware that when they think that, the best thing to suggest is individual not joint therapy. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! I have developed similar coping strategies and work very hard not to allow my brains bad wiring to negatively affect those that I love. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. I mean, she could get kidnapped! This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Exactly. Jeez, we all married the same guy.
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